Partially Crazy With a Chance of Hysterics

Mormon, smormon

2004-10-05 & 6:57 p.m.

So this weekend I went to see the Indigo Girls in Salt Lake City. Little did I know when this trip was planned in July that it was the weekend of one of the biggest Mormon "Conferences" of the year. (Cause apparently there is more than one big Mormon conference every year.) So the airport in Seattle was flooded with Mormons making an exodus to Salt Lake City. On the plane I was on the Mormon to non-Mormon ratio was 6 to 1, cause all of those fuckers have at least 4 children. You could see the pantylines of their retarded Mormon underwear that covers up their white bread holy Mormon naughty bits.
So on the plane, I was half tempted to read my lesbian erotic literature but opted to read the new Sophie Kinsella Shopaholic book. Hey, I want to rock the Mormon boat as much of the next guy but there just seems something wrong and well, unerotic about reading lesbian erotica on a plane full of Mormons.
When I arrived at the Salt Lake City airport and saw Spike, I gave her a big kiss in honor of the Mormon tradition. Cause you know those polygamist families are just one big orgy full of lesbian action amoung wives. Carolyn explained to us that we should respect the Mormon culture and refrain from using the words "goddamn" and "fuck". I believe my response was something along the lines of, "Fuck that goddamned shit."
As a group of people, Mormons are peaceful. When you are doing something that they don't necessarily approve of they are not outspoken like bible thumpers, they merely look at you and walk away. I can respect that. What I can't respect is the fact that the draft beer in Utah is only 3% alcohol. That is just fucking wrong. There is some strange beer laws in Utah that make you have to spend more money on beer than normal and it is weaker and I believe that is morally wrong.
By Sunday, I had had enough Mormon to soothe my soul. My friends wanted to go view Temple Square and I had no desire to set foot near any more Mormons. There was just too much purity and chastity. I couldn't handle it. I am neither pure nor chaste and I did not wish to visit the holy grounds of the pure and the chaste. I went to my holy grounds, the mall.

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