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I hate flying....

2004-09-08 & 7:50 p.m.

I hate flying. I always will. I know most people do but I don't hate flying for the reason that most people do. Being on the plane doesn't bother me one bit. My ears don't pop. I rarely get nauseous unless there is extreme turbulence. I hate flying because when you are at the airport you are subjected to human stupidity at its very worst.

People get stressed when they fly. When people get stressed, they act stupid. I have flown so commonly in my lifetime that I have seen it all when it comes to airports but I have to say that since September 11th, the whole IQ of the common traveller has dropped about 50 points.

Such as the man who asks, "Do I have to take off my shoes?" at the "security checkpoint".

Sir, why would you stop the line and ask this. Everyone has to take off their shoes. I just walked through security in front of you and I removed my fucking flip flops. Of course you are going to have to take off your thick ass orthopedic walking shoes. Why be stupid...take off the shoes, Grandpa.

My next favorite people who think an hour and a half flight is SO LONG that they have to bring on so much onboard entertainment with them that they basically set up a home entertainment system on their fucking lap. This weekend while I was on my merry way to San Francisco, Fatty H. McFatterson (the "H" standing for Handlebar Mustache of course) was sitting on the aisle and I was in the window seat. Halfway through the flight (the hour and 22 minute flight) he sets up his laptop and is browsing the internet WHILE watching a movie on his portable DVD player. HELLO, Attention Deficit...I have to fucking pee and you have set up your little "camp" across both seats. Use your head are not the only fucking person on the plane. AND, please rethink your mustache as it is 2004 and not 1972.

Then there are the worryworts. I know several people in my immediate family who fall into this catergory. You know them. You may be one of them. They get to the airport 2 hours early, AT LEAST. They panic in the security line if it is the slightest bit long. They panic at the gate if they aren't first in line to get on the plane. They check in at the ticket counter and check their baggage and then they check in again at the gate. I believe that it should be a federal law that at the ticket counter these people should recieve a Xanax. I am not only saying this for my comfort but I believe this to be an issue of national security.

Lastly, I believe there should be CHILD FREE flights unless you can sign some sort of contract IN BLOOD that your child will behave on the plane. Nothing is WORSE than being stuck on a plane with a screaming child. I have found that babies aren't that bad. It is the 2-3 year old range that cannot handle the flight. I just cannot handle one more screaming toddler on a flight. WHY OH WHY do they ALWAYS have to sit RIGHT next to me!!!??? I just don't understand. I try to be nice. I do the fake smile. Inside I am screaming and my inner child wants to steal that little bastards Etch-O-Sketch for my own.

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