All Of My Days Have Been Misspent
This mother (see how I went all Eric there)just called from the car dealership and the bitch was walking that thin line of actually sounding so monotone that I might think she was a computer if I couldn't hear her breathing.
I forgot to tell you about the dude who sold us our car. We bought a car from Captain Kangaroo. I am serious. This man's eyebrows were so bushy and his moustache was too I am sure there were some rainforest creatures residing in there. But anyways, why are car dealers the way they are? He starts off his schpeal, "I am not a car salesman. I just love Jeeps and I was a retired grandfather who had to get a job to support my grandkids." I wanted to say, "Yeah well why don't you just do what my grandma did then? Work at Target and then get yourself in charge of pricing shit and when it clearances for one cent you buy it and shove it into a room of your house and give that shit to your relatives for Christmas and their birthdays. Cause that is what retired people do if they have to work....they don't work at a fucking car dealership. And Captain Green Jeans, I hate to break it to you but you are fucking SELLING cars. That makes you a FUCKING CAR SALESMAN. So save your pitch and go jizz on someone else okay?" Of course in Courtney doormat language what I just said translates into "Smile and Nod." There was also this younger dude who was there the entire time "helping out" Mr. Gus OldestCarSalesmanEver with our deal. I have now learned they call him "the closer". That guy had really crooked teeth and he said Fuck within 3 minutes of starting our test drive. Really professional I know....
I really hate the entire car buying experience. I feel so dirty afterwards that I just want to cleanse away the filth. I am scrubbing like Cher in Silkwood. I am scrubbing myself like I am going to auction myself off on EBay and want to advertise myself as "Like New"....
This entry is brought to you by the typos "whe" and "jixx".
