All Of My Days Have Been Misspent
What Courtney hears when Colin Quinn introduces his show, �Tonight on Tough Crowd, I�m gonna deliver really bad jokes and my panelists will rip on one another with vague references that no viewer understands. But you know�..you watch the show.�
So this diary is entering a whole new phase because now this diary is on �war-footing.� Now if someone could explain what �war-footing� that would be great. And what mode were we in before �war-footing��? Were we �pussy-footing�?
Does anyone else know all the words to Beck�s Loser as I do? AND DON�T BE ALL LOOKING THEM UP ON GOOGLE AND THEN SAYING YOU DO BECAUSE I WILL KNOW THAT YOU DID. I am talking about when the song came out and you struggled and worked your ass off to get all the words down after hitting repeat multiple times on your CD player.
GODDAMNIT, IF I HEAR �LOW-CARB� ONE MORE MOTHAFUCKIN� TIME, I WILL UNLEASH A WRATH SO FIERCE YOU WILL WISH FOR ARMA-FUCKIN�-GEDDON.
Due to the continuing pressure of the FCC, this diary might be censored. I may get taken off Diaryland altogether. I think they are cutting me some slack because I only have ONE nipple that can potentially be exposed.
I sing �Somewhere over the Rainbow� really pretty. No seriously, I�m not just saying that.
Speaking of Arma-fuckin�-geddon (and yes that is actually the name they use for it in the Unabridged version of the Bible.) What is with the plague of locusts? Fuck locusts. I�ve got RAID. You aren�t taking me out with no motherfucking locusts. Obviously the authors of the Bible had never met a pug or you would bet that they would have written it that a plague of pugs was unleashed. A plague of snorting, licking, hyperactive, untrained, whiny little fart machine fuckers shitting and pissing all over the place. Fuck locusts.
By the way, FOX, get your priorities straight okay? Bush�s Speech DID not need to be re-aired in the primetime hours pre-empting American Idol. Now I was under the impression that living on the west coast ACTUALLY HAD SOME BENEFIT, such as avoiding presidential press conferences interrupting anything but your 85 minute, 10 mile commute. It also pissed me off because I have a very full schedule (Don�t Laugh!!!) and I record American Idol so I can fast forward through the bullshit. I only need a half hour to view AI because that is the amount of actual substance to the show. The rest of the show is just Ryan Seacrest�s verbal diarrhea, Simon Cowell�s ego, Randy Jackson saying, �DAWG!� more than anyone should legally be allowed to and Paula cooing and giggling while Simon fingers her under the table.
(Seriously folks, I should have my own show�.Fuck Colin Quinn�..)
Great Mysteries of Life I would like solved:
1) What Kenny is saying during the South Park credits?
2) What the blue liquid they use in maxi-pad commercials is made of and why did someone decide to make it blue? And along the same lines why have maxi-pad/tampon/diaper/diarrhea medicine commercials? People are going to use that shit if they need it�.you don�t really need to advertise.
3) What is the purpose of asscrack hair?
4) Who shot JR? (Oh hey wait�that one DID get solved�.good because it was a HUGE mystery when I was a kid�)
5) What is the purpose of the scary tunnel scene in �Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory� besides making me feel like I just woke up from the worst acid trip ever..?
I am thinking that I really should have my own one woman show. People really like one woman shows.
I would like to go on MTV�s �MADE� and be �MADE� into one of the following:
1) Stand up comedian
2) Sitcom Star
3) Singer/Dancer/Member of a KickAss Band
4) Star Volleyball Player
5) Member of �The Daily Show� team
This entry is brought to you by the Awesome-O Robot Company.
