All Of My Days Have Been Misspent
1. Greta-Elementary School Arch Nemesis
Greta had really red hair. I signed up to play violin, Greta signed up to play violin. When we were making up secret code names for note passing, Greta insisted that I would not need a code name because noone was going to write notes to me.
2. Natalie-Ex Friend High School Enemy
Natalie was my best friend in middle school. Somehow in the transition from 8th to 9th grade, she decided that I was no longer cool enough for her. It would have been nice if she had let me know that. Instead, she just sort of ditched me. (Thus beginning my obsessive compulsive possessive paranoid friendship issues...)
3. Whitney-2 faced High School Enemy
In high school I was best friends with Erin . Erin and I went everywhere together. Erin was another one of Natalie's rejects so we banned together in our mutual hatred of her. When we were seniors in high school, we met Whitney. Whitney's parents went out of town a lot and she had an older brother so she had killer parties, killer keg parties. Erin, Whitney and I were inseperable. Erin went to some horse camp or something so Whitney and I started hanging out together. While we were hanging out together with some other friends, Whitney started talking about how much she secretly hated Erin. I half-assedly tried to stick up for her. I got shot down and began to play along. (I would have stuck up for Erin more if she hadn't told me before she left that I was "getting fat" and that she might need to find another friend.) Fast forward to when Erin arrived home, we are sitting at lunch reading over the newest "Why we hate Erin" top ten list we made when Erin walked over and saw it. Whitney blamed it all on me. I tried to talk to Erin but she believed Whitney over me. Thus started my hatred of Whitney. I got her back by telling EVERYONE and ANYONE who would listen that she slept with Tim Nelson, which was totally true because they both admitted it during Truth or Dare.
Now I went for many many many years without developing any further enemies....Fast forward to the present.
4. Carla-PSYCHO CHAIN SMOKING EX BITCH BOSS
I went to work for Carla last summer. Ashley worked for her and convinced me to come work there too. I was weak willed and Ashley is a strong willed Leo. She knows I am usually at her mercy and she takes full advantage of it. Carla was expanding her business and needed a Doggy DayCare manager. I took over that role foolishly believing it would be an enjoyable job. I should have known that it wasn't a good thing when Carla yelled at me within the first hour because a dog peed on the floor. The next day she was calling me a bitch and getting in screaming matches with other employees. In between those outbursts she was either chain smoking around OTHER people's dogs or sobbing in her office. When the animals started getting abused, that is when I drew the line and 6 of us walked out in one day. Leaving her a note of course because we were afraid of her psychotic response. The day after I quit, I filed numerous complaints with federal agencies, state agencies, and city hall that ended in her getting fined amd shut down for a few weeks. She is currently spreading shit about me and Ashley all over town. She tried to talk to one of my clients the other day and my client laughed in her face.
5. Rob Fuckerpants AssClown McStomperson-Upstairs Neighbor (yeah that is his full name)
Well I think you all know the stories because I have told you all of them...so you are familiar with this particular enemy. He meets all the qualificatons of "How to be an Asshole":
Step One: Have impossibly refined sensibilities and senses (ie complaining about the "smell" coming from my backyard.)
Step Two: Use really big words (I shall refer you to the "Trentwood Condominum Compendium of Regulations" written by Rob Asscolwn Fuckerpants McStomperson)
Step Three: Choose something to hate (well that one is easy..he has chosen us...or rather our dogs.)
Step Four: Always Manage to turn the conversation around to you
(he is very good at this. an expert actually...)
Step Five: Be Secure in your supreme righteousness. (see explanation for step two...)
So I guess I am doing pretty well considering that I have only been on the planet 23 years and only hate 5 people. I think that is not too bad. Maybe I am not as big of a hater as I thought I was. I might have to work on hating more people to maintain my current reputation.
