Back in St. Olaf:

cosmicrayola - 2004-11-02 08:58:14
I am sure you still have other friends that haven't bailed. And those that did? Their loss.
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lap - 2004-11-02 09:15:49
All I can say is the same thing happened to me for years, certainly in Jr. High and it seemed to happen later with boyfriends too. They were "all Laura, all the time" until at last they weren't. The biggest issue is that I don't miss people really (I think because I moved more than once a year from age 1-6) and I would just move on. But lately I've found some of these people coming back into my life. So I can't offer any kind of analysis really, but I can say that I know what you mean. I wonder somedays why none of these people who needed me SO much ever proposed marriage or anything- why no real commitment has ever been made to me in 36 years. But a huge part of me doesn't care about that really, and it keeps me from comparing myself to others who have been engaged, and married, and whatever.
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Pandionna - 2004-11-02 09:28:28
Sometimes people grow apart. I've ended friendships. Others have ended friendships with me. Some friendships have waxed and waned over the years, depending on life circumstances (marriage, kids, etc.). Sigh. All I can tell you is that you bring a smile to my face, and I'll bet you're one helluva buddy in person.
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Allie or the best sister ever - 2004-11-02 18:42:42
Court, I think it is all in the friends you choose. All of the gals you listed(I knew them) and none of them treated you for your worth. They acted like they were above you instead of the same level as you. That is shitty. I have had three shitty friends too, just like with men, I weed through the shit in order to find the good ones. So don't think of all that is going wrong now think of what is going right. Also, I don't think Ashley was really that great of a friend if she can't muster up the balls to talk to you. Oh and just tell her she looks fat today anyway like she would say to you. What a great pal. Love ya! AL
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spikeul - 2004-11-03 02:57:33
ok, i know you didn't want anyone to leave you comments like "there's nothing wrong with you," but as your girlfriend, i believe that i can truly say that. sweetheart, you are amazing. seiously, you are smart, kind, funny, caring, honest, and so much more. everyday i find something new (usually more than one thing) to love about you. you are the best thing that ever happened to me, and i love you so much. this is ashley's loss. she won't see it until it's gone for good. you were a good friend to her, even when she wasn't a good friend to you. you put up with a lot of her shit. so many times (like when she said negative things about you) i wanted to smack her. how dare she treat you like that! i agree with allie, she did not seem like a good friend to you. and ultimatly, making you choose between me and her prooves her maturity level. sweetie, you are too good for her. she never has done anything (in my mind) to proove that she is worthy of your friendship. i love you so much and i was getting tired of hearing her constantly pick on you. there's nothing wrong with you - people can be shitheads all too often. i love you so much and i wish you were here with me right now.
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pj - 2004-11-04 12:20:18
I always know I've tripped over the depressed line when I find myself perseverating on my own string of old friendships. When I realize I have no childhood friends that I can share silly memories with. When I wonder what the hell is so wrong with me.... I worked with troubled youth for awhile, and part of the job from time to time was having our own little heart to hearts with the therapist. I remember confessing to her that I had NEVER had a solid relationship of any sort that lasted more than three years. She looked right back at me and asked why I thought that was. Damn that pissed me off. Somebody else told me once that there is a theory, whatever value we want to put on it, about lesbians tending to have been girls who didn't have long term frienships with other girls growing up. I kind of file that with all the other attempts at determining what "causes" homosexuality (although there isn't necessarily a direction of causality in this theory), but it's interesting nonetheless. When my girl and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary it was, for the both of us, the most emotional event because we'd made it past that ellusive mark. Celebrating 4 years seemed almost silly in comparison...it's like now we just know that number will keep getting bigger and it's actually pretty great to take that little piece for granted. So, whether or not anyone else along the way has thought there was anything wrong with me (like my senior roomate in college, when the thought of actually being gay was still years away for me because I was engaged to be married, who unexpectedly moved out one day because she hated me SO much and if I didn't know why then "you must just be that way"), I know that there isn't. I can pull a good number of those old friends up now and identify how they weren't happy then or how they're unhappy now and I know that whatever happened it wasn't because of me, and I'm saddened that whatever was going on they couldn't just hold onto the friendship and be real with me. That's all I want, friends who can be real. People don't like to do that, they'd have to face up to too many things which they have put loads of time and energy into avoiding or repressing, they'd have to drop the act they've spent their entire lives perfecting. What I have had to do instead is re-evaluate my expectations of the people I call my friends, and realize that the ones that are really "best" friends are about as rare as anyone who would be your "true" love. In my case, I insisted on having both - my true love couldn't be anyone who wasn't my best friend, and that's inherently when my marriage ended - when I came to that conclusion and realized how little my husband really knew me. When I met my partner and we hit it off and became fast friends and she way gay, that didn't phase me. When she confessed to feeling more for me than friendship, it would have been the biggest mistake of my life to walk away. I'm totally babbling and using up your comments section for my own thought process, I should just post this in my own journal and link to it instead, but here it is anyway. Whether or not you want to hear that there isn't anything wrong with you, I don't know you so I can't say, but you seem like you have a pretty solid head on your shoulders and I would venture a confident guess that there is more wrong with the old friends than with you - at least know you aren't alone in the experience.
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Dad or (the father of the greastest sister ever) - 2004-11-08 12:58:22
Court, Sweetie, we've had this talk before. It's easy to feel as though, as George Costanza would say "It's me, not you!" but the real truth of the matter is that if you find one true, true friend who no matter where you are in your life, and they in theirs, he or she will always be there for you (how about Tricia??). True friendship like true love, must be unconditional. Also Honey, you place a higher premium on friendship than others. You know me honey, I compartmentalize my friends, ones that I count on, and ones that I don't. Your current life cycle, the events that have gone on in your life during the past year, have shown you who are your true friends. Like I always say in one of my "dadisms": At the end of the day, you can count on your family, Mom, your sisters, Me, Uncle Russ and Aunt Kelly, Grandma.... That's pretty good company. The restof em can kiss our ***** on Main Street and give us an hour to get an audience. I love you Sweetie, your friend Dad.
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