All Of My Days Have Been Misspent
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Old farts......young whippersnappers....

2004-02-25 & 12:12 p.m.


Alrighty all you offended OLD people reading my diary who are all waiting for me to turn 30....your asses have a long wait. Seriously I wouldn't be so ageist if you all would stop sitting up on your pedestals covering me in your verbal vomit about how I wouldn't understand anything because I am not as old as you. As soon as y'all stop doing that, I will stop talking about how you all are old. I am so sick of people who are over 30 telling me I will never understand something because I am "only 23". I have been through a fucking lot in my 23 years. I already own my own home, I pay bills, I have been working since I was 14....cut me some slack with your bullshit "I am so much smarter because I am 6 years older than you" rhetoric. (Most of this hostility is actually not pointed at my readers but a friend of mine who is 31 and thinks she is so much smarter than me just because she is older...and if you met her you would totally know that is not the case.) So as I said, I will stop being ageist against your oldness when you stop being ageist against my youth.

So oldies feast your old glasses wearing eyes on this: (oh wait fuck I wear glasses....)

YOU KNOW YOU ARE OLD WHEN:

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

Your back goes out more often than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.

You're proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

You answer a question with, "Because I said so."

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You know what the word "equity" means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for The Weather Channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You find yourself smiling at this list.



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