All Of My Days Have Been Misspent
So I was at the eye doctor and after doing everything to my eye that I hate being done to my eye including the puff of air (which they had to do repeatedly) and then dilating my eyes, my eye doctor decided I need to have a blood draw. (Now I don't know if I have ever expressed in this diary how much I hate blood draws but I do. I FUCKING FREAK OUT. After my last blood draw the doctor decided it was in my best interests if I take Valium before any future blood draws. ) So anyways of course I flip out when the doctor talks about drawing my blood. I freak out MAJORLY. Like call the police because there is a psychotic threatening to kill us with an opthamascope psychotic. The doctor and his minions kept trying to grab me and hold me down and I had to kung fu their asses. Then I ran out of the clinic and jumped in my helicopter. But it wouldn't start and the doctors had surrounded the helicopter. I was trapped so I decided to throw flares at them and then try to run away. But they caught me and were holding me down. I was screaming uncontrollably and crying so hard I could remember my chest hurting. (which by the way is a completely accurate representation of what happens when I need my blood drawn.) And while they were pulling my blood I fainted but they thought I was faking and didn't try to revive me. They left me lying there and kept working around me for what seemed like hours.
Some background first and then
Phone call from last night:
Ashley is watching some dogs that I normally watch but I am booked right now.
Me: Hello?
Ashley: What is hanging out of this pugs vagina?
Me: Hello to you too. It is her penis.
Ashley: What? Jim is going to die.
Me: She is a male pseudohermaphrodite. She is a tranny pug.
Ashley: Jim is shitting his pants. And how do you say her name? Shoe-mee...?
Me: No it is "Shoe-my" but Peter and I call her Tranny.
Ashley: Okay...man this is too funny. She has a hard on right now.
Me: I know she gets it when she is excited.
(I hear Jim saying in the background, "Get it off me.")
Ashley: Okay...well that is all I wanted to know. Talk to you later.
So this morning has not started off well I don't think. I am sitting here at the counter reading diaries and then I will get a whiff of something. I will look around and a tiny turd will be on the floor. I clean it up. About 20 minutes later that happens again and I clean it up. Fast forward about 5 minutes and fuck me if it doesn't happen again. I know it is "The Pooh" as I call him because he earned that knickname for his ability to always have to poo and for eating it. He getting a wee bit incontinent in his old age I suppose. And yes I was inspired to write about dog poo today by Tom. Although most of the time with all the dogs in my life, I do not need inspiration to write about their excrement.
