All Of My Days Have Been Misspent
Dear Friends and Family,
I appreciate the fact that you were thinking of me and decided to get me a gift. I know it is the thought that counts and for that I am appreciative. However, my house is filled with animals and while puppies and kittens are cute, I do not need pictures of them on my calendars. I am perfectly happy with my Lord of the Rings and Queer as Folk calendar. But I do thank you.
Now for the people who buy me pug merchandise...I assure you that I appreciate that you think I am one of those "pug people" who likes to have pug statues all over her house. I have 3 real life pugs. Now most of you have not ever owned pugs before and I can tell you that owning a pug is quite enough pug to satisfy me. I do not need statues, pictures, socks, mugs, hats, nor shirts depicting pugs. I already have 3 pug stalkers waiting for me outside the shower, staring at me while I am on the toilet and whining at the door while the husband and I have sex. While I do thank you for the gifts and the thoughts surely you can think there is more to me than my animals.
Sincerely,
Courtney
A letter to Brynnonna the Wonder Pointer
Dear Brynnonna,
I will no longer be purchasing you any new toys. I like to see you happy and I like to get you new toys, however I am saddened that you do not take better care of your toys. I cannot justify buying you new toys when you insist on leaving your toys in the backyard during a rain storm. I also cannot justify buying you any new toys when you rip your current toys to shreds. Toys are expensive and mommy is unemployed. In order for mommy to continue to feed you she will need to refrain from buying you new toys for awhile. May this be a lesson to you for there are many dogs who do not have the luxury of toys. I will consider buying you toys again when you prove to me that you can be responsible.
Love,
Mom
